The Silence

Looking out at the night sky, I see the endless array of stars. Stepping closer off the ledge I place my hand on the side of the window panel. Giving myself false support. I hate this feeling of incompleteness and incompetence. Nothing will ever be good enough. Forever to be compared to others. Including my past self. The person I am, constantly overlooked. Leaning forward I can feel the cool night breeze pass. Lifting my bangs and almost pushing me back. As if it were telling me to hold on, even for a little longer. Or maybe my escape from here doesn't want me either. Then where can someone like me go? Must I force myself to endure this much longer, will it even get better? Can't say I ever did picture it like this, not that I ever thought of the aftershock of such actions. This one selfish act is too much. Would any amount of suffering account for this? No, I don't want this demise anyhow. I lean back and look once more into the vastness of the night. The stars illuminating there lights through the darkness of it all. I slid back into the safety of my bedroom. And walk over to my bed. I look down to the sleeping child that has claimed most of the left side. His rhythmic breathing looking so peaceful. I reach my hand out to him, and stroke his fine hair from his face. He doesn't even stir to my touch but instead lets out an almost relieved sigh. Almost as if he knew I might not come back. Pulling the blanket more on him, I then turn and walk back to the open window. Looking out and contemplating if this is the right choice. Closing the window I look back to him. Admiring how the moonlight shines on his pale skin and jet black hair.  Like a work of beauty that belongs. As if death were life, and this be the perfect portrait. His breathing momentarily stops as he slightly opens his eyes. "Dad, what are you doing up?" I walk over to him and kiss his head gently. "It was getting chilly", gesturing toward the now closed window. I lay down beside him, he looks over to me and back to the window before closing his eyes. "Okay, g'night" he mumbles before drifting off. I smile and pull the blankets over me, then rest my hand over him to pull him closer. Still pondering the thoughts in my mind, wondeingr shouldn't he be enough for me to want to stay?