Florescent lighting

I awoke on the cold surface of the floor. My body feeling so weak, a challenge to even lift my head. I looked at my surrounds the best my eyes alone could. The rooms seemed dark with just a faint light showing from behind a window curtain. My eyes start to adjust better, now to just get up. I slowly begin to pull my arms inward and place my hands flat on the ground in front of me. I begin to push, slowly lifting the top half of my body first. Then a jolt of pain surges through me causing me to jerk and drop back down. What is this pain? I feel my body aching all over and I begin to slightly shake.  I take my left hand and with all the strength I had in that moment, placed it to the side of me and pushed myself onto my back. My legs were slow to follow but the pain came instantly. My sight began to blur as I tried to look at the surroundings once more. I could tell I was in a bedroom, upon seeing the dresser and bed. But I didn't recognize it, any of it. Where the hell am I? I didn't go out last night, I was at home with my parents. A headache started to surge and my vision was started to fade to black.  I began to remember hearing voices from shadowy figures in front of me, but I couldn't see or make out any faces. They were all shouting out numbers and somewhere I heard someone yell out "One million!" Then silence. It was soon broken by another voice ranting.  I slipped back into consciousness. I tried to relax and remember what could've happened I mean I was at home, that all had to have been a dream of course. I came home from school, watched t.v., ate dinner with my parents then went to bed. Nothing could explain this. I shudder from the cold feeling of the floor and then realize my body is completely naked. With the sheet from the bed barely covering one of my legs. Oh my god, what the fuck is going on?! Just then I hear a door open to the side of me, "looks like you're finally awake." The light turns on before I can turn to look at whoever the hell just came in, blinding my sight and striking up fear within me. "Who are you, where am I?" Is all I could manage to croak out.

The Silence

Looking out at the night sky, I see the endless array of stars. Stepping closer off the ledge I place my hand on the side of the window panel. Giving myself false support. I hate this feeling of incompleteness and incompetence. Nothing will ever be good enough. Forever to be compared to others. Including my past self. The person I am, constantly overlooked. Leaning forward I can feel the cool night breeze pass. Lifting my bangs and almost pushing me back. As if it were telling me to hold on, even for a little longer. Or maybe my escape from here doesn't want me either. Then where can someone like me go? Must I force myself to endure this much longer, will it even get better? Can't say I ever did picture it like this, not that I ever thought of the aftershock of such actions. This one selfish act is too much. Would any amount of suffering account for this? No, I don't want this demise anyhow. I lean back and look once more into the vastness of the night. The stars illuminating there lights through the darkness of it all. I slid back into the safety of my bedroom. And walk over to my bed. I look down to the sleeping child that has claimed most of the left side. His rhythmic breathing looking so peaceful. I reach my hand out to him, and stroke his fine hair from his face. He doesn't even stir to my touch but instead lets out an almost relieved sigh. Almost as if he knew I might not come back. Pulling the blanket more on him, I then turn and walk back to the open window. Looking out and contemplating if this is the right choice. Closing the window I look back to him. Admiring how the moonlight shines on his pale skin and jet black hair.  Like a work of beauty that belongs. As if death were life, and this be the perfect portrait. His breathing momentarily stops as he slightly opens his eyes. "Dad, what are you doing up?" I walk over to him and kiss his head gently. "It was getting chilly", gesturing toward the now closed window. I lay down beside him, he looks over to me and back to the window before closing his eyes. "Okay, g'night" he mumbles before drifting off. I smile and pull the blankets over me, then rest my hand over him to pull him closer. Still pondering the thoughts in my mind, wondeingr shouldn't he be enough for me to want to stay?

Mantaray

I feel the suns rude rays hit my closed line of sight. I don't want to get up but staying down sounds even more irritable. Cracking my eyes slightly open, I look over to my clock. "Goddamn, three already?" Looking over to my side I see nothing, just an empty space on my bed. Figures he'd just leave and not even wake me. I turn over on my back, kicking the clump of blankets off as I go, until they're just a heap of contortedness at the edge of my bed. I sit up and look around enough to at least locate my boxers. Spot them by the window. Throwing my legs over the side and placing both feet firmly on the ground, I stand and groggily walk toward the window. My hands finds the string to the blinds, I pull it, raising the blinds higher. Blinding me to the world for a brief second. Then turning towards my body length mirror, I bask in the image that is me. Naked and radiant, as the sun illuminates my near perfect figure. Placing my hand over my evident hip bone, I look down toward my stomach and notice the residue on my stomach and chest. Shit I need to clean this off but I don't want to shower. I use my index finger and trace along my form. Feeling the now dried cum from the earlier hours of the morning. Nah, fuck it, I'll just get a towel wet and clean myself off. Even with it being pretty much dry it should clean up quickly. Then I can get dressed and go downstairs. Maybe see if that prick is back while I'm at it.

Kurai

Lately, more frequently these thoughts come again. Wondering why and why bother. Yet so much more. Though no true meaning arises to explain or excuse them. Looking out into the world I see no use for but don't but do want to leave, I wonder. Besides the changes I knew were to come, though I was unsure of the when and whom. Can't help but ponder like usual when I get in this state "what now?" I know not of regular feelings and question what I have felt, if it ever was something. I feel I am reverting. Not sure if what was tried before could work or seemingly work, if I made that effort. I see twos everywhere. Unless it understandable to be one. But I think I get it. Though looking through the glass looks enjoyable, it is not what was to be. Maybe. I've paid witness to the destruction of my wavering will. Burning down passages before or as soon as they appear. Just to expect, yes expect. The ending result surely to come, even if not now. Many wont get it. Sometimes I don't get it. If it changes I know this reality will have had been brought down. And if I miraculously survive to experience it well, maybe this will have been considered my now not so silent whine to the world. Maybe I can unearth what has been sprouted and spewed. To place elsewhere so that it may flourish and take shape. But I don't see it happening soon. And I know it is in jeopardy of dwindling away. Yet it matters little and greatly to me. Guess using the usual strategy of "one day at a time", should suffice for now..............Should.

I want to paint it black

For so long have I been alone. No light, no company. Just black. Wasn't til later on did I even discover a mirror to even see my own reflection. Hmmm.....white completion, fair skin, almost blue eyes but seems there a darker color intertwined......what is it? And white hair......huh who'd of thought. I eventually broke that mirror, figured what good do I need of luck. I'm not the supersticious type. And then I heard someone, but here? I went down to investigate, traveling lighty through the dark corriders. I've walked them so much I know exactly where to go to get to the first floor. I carefully looked through the door leading to the entrance. Never thought I'd come to this area again. Pretty much gave up on the idea of ever leaving. After all, I have no family, no friends. Heck I don't even have proper attire haha. And then I saw her.

Le first thing.

Okay so this blog will pretty much be an insight to the ones in my mind. And sometimes stuff I just wanna put out there.  Especially since so many inhabit my mind and more keep coming ^^ So if you like it um.....yay lol, if not I'm not offended. I know what level my writing's at lol. But if you don't get it or enjoy it....O well haha.  And if you can't stand obscene language, thoughts or what not, don't read.